08 April 2021 – She’s arrived!!

My parents came up to visit me for a few days, it was a lovely experience to spend a few days together but without knowing there was a horrible cancer treatment coming.

However, the reason for the visit wasn’t me, it was of course the beautiful Beatrice ‘Bertie’ coming home. Honestly, I’m writing this post nearly two weeks later but wow what a rollercoaster.

My mother started calling me ‘mate’ the morning of Berties arrival. From the moment she clapped eyes on my little Bertie bear it was like she had a lobotomy – Bertie is called her little sweetie, her daughter is ‘mate’.

My dad as stoic as ever and greets the pup with some curiosity, but as soon as my back is turned is trying to get her to jump on the sofa and give her pets.

What can I say about puppies – I’m so pleased she didn’t arrive during treatment, she is a whirlwind and needs so much attention. Little puppy needle teeth and my neuropathy also makes some of our playful interactions more painful.

However, having her as my goal for treatment, and to be with me as I start to adjust to a post cancer world is nothing short of pure joy. Having my baby girl run up to me, tail wagging is one of the greatest pleasures in life.

This blog isn’t about puppies though, but it was weird I have had a couple of days of pure emotion. I’ve cried buckets since getting her and I’m just not sure of the cause – could it be motherly hormones kicking in, the relief of the cancer treatment ending or the hormones from the Zoladex? I have no idea but these are not tears of sorrow, there is obviously some pent up emotion needing to get out.

Either way, I cannot imagine my life without her. On the few occasions I had to leave her with friends, I honestly pined. As I write this she is fast asleep in her crate, and every now and then you get a wiff of the chemical warfare emitting from her arse, that makes your eyes sting but sticks to the back of your throat. It is lucky she is cute!

What I can also say is, some of my side effects are going, the sweats are fading (I still get them but less frequent), the fatigue is dwindling away but the neuropathy, boy oh boy is lingering. My fingers are painful (they feel burnt) and the soles of my feet are a constant cycle of blister formation and healing.

Brilliantly, Macmillan have been in touch to offer me a post cancer course and when discussing my current physical issues have referred me to a physiotherapist. I look forward to seeing her, as my main concern right now is whether the issues with my hands and feet will now be permanent. I’m desperate to get myself back.

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