I was feeling much better, I was on solid food, and getting my bed fellow opposite to come walkies with me (I said to her we would check out the totty on the ward – you can probably guess that was a joke). The key issue that day was my first bowel movement and my period came all at once.
Now I had mastered getting out of bed, urinating, walking (slowly), but having to twist your body to wipe your bum, is not easy, in fact, it’s bloody hard work with wounds, fresh scars and incisions in your stomach. So even though the bowel movement was painless and easy, the aftermath was a trial of positions to reach ones rectum (one must sound posh when one refers to one’s faecal movements). I opted for the foot on the loo seat, a little bit of a tip toe and a giant stretch of the arm as far as possible. I then noticed that annoyingly my period had come and was pissed off at just the sheer audacity of the timing!
I went to the nurses station, joyously declared about my bowel movements (it was a factor to send me home) and asked for a sanitary pad for the menstruation – honestly Noah’s Ark was smaller than the sanitary pad they gave me, and I didn’t need a gang of 2x2s nesting down there. Once sorted down there, I waddled back to bed.